In 2018, I had shitty moments that didn’t make it to social media: no ER pictures, or crying in the shower singing, “cancer, go away” or throwing up during my last chemos or crying because my latest scan showed more uptake in my spleen & other areas or when my oncologist let us know on Christmas Eve that the biopsy so far was inconclusive but leaning toward Hodgkin’s or when we found out on Alex’s birthday that the 13-yo sweet cat we just adopted has lymphoma & later got a call from my oncologist that the biopsy was still inconclusive but leaning toward Hodgkin & that I needed to see a radiation oncologist.
But I also didn’t post some amazing moments: Alex making me laugh about my sad shower singing, the ER nurse calling me “Bebe”, my oncologist who answers our many questions, the spleen biopsy team, the nurses & Ulman Fund, my therapist who helps me so much, laughing w/ my parents & Alex, our new cat getting better w/ steroids, gifts from a friend who’d gather them over months, the postcards & messages & phone calls even if I don’t respond right away, Plato’s cuddles, magic Borscht from friends we consider family, a friend who used her holidays to help take care of us, transcribing, writing, podcasts, movies & series, the meals we received, playing scrabble, the friends & family who visited us & called us, the drawings, the discussions & the smiles & laughs.
I smiled at least once a day. I have an easier time remembering the amazing moments than the shitty ones. Sometimes the what-ifs of maybe getting a stem cell transplant are fucking scary & depressing. We'll face it if it happens. Many others have gone through it. I focus on the next step. I spend much more time in my “happy place” as my therapist calls it.
I’m lucky in many ways. As Alex says, we’ll keep on trucking. I have many treatment options & I'm crossing my fingers radiation does the trick. I’m going to continue finding ways to enjoy every little thing but I'm sure some of those happy moments won't make it to social media even if I try to post more regularly. Don’t hesitate to reach out.
I wish you the very best for 2019! Health. Smiles. Laughter. Many happy moments :)
Happy New Year!